ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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