I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
