woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
