I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
