Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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