my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
