So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
