i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
