I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
