i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
