He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
