I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
