I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
