4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
