Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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