Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
