I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
