You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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