Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
