My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
