i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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