Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
