did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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