Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
