so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
