I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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