no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
