NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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