My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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