What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
