Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
