My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
