my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
