halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
