Can i not drive my cunt home
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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