im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
