I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
