you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
