I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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