That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
