you guys were way drunker than both of me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
