i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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