I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
