i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
