I wish I only lived at night.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
