I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
