4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Sober January is a disaster.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
