How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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