I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
