She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
