Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize