Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
