she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
