I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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