just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
