even my farts smell like vagina
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
