I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i now understand why vodka
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
