I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
